Rethinking "Significant Others": The Power of Platonic Love

The Inspiration Behind a Friendship Revolution

This Valentine's Day, let's expand our understanding of love beyond the romantic. Rhaina Cohen, author of "The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center," challenges the conventional notion of partnership in a conversation with Rachel Feltman for Scientific American's Science Quickly podcast.

Cohen's journey began with a friendship that transcended typical definitions. This deep connection, with a friend referred to as "M," sparked an exploration into the profound impact of platonic partnerships.

Societal Perceptions of Friendship

Cohen and M's close bond was met with positivity, but not all such friendships are so fortunate. Cohen's research revealed that many close platonic friendships face criticism, gossip, and even accusations of hidden romantic feelings, particularly amongst straight men. These experiences highlight the societal discomfort with intense non-romantic connections.

The evolution of societal norms has contributed to this perception shift. Historically, marriage served primarily as an economic arrangement, devoid of the expectation of deep emotional connection we have today. The introduction of concepts like homosexuality and heterosexuality further influenced societal views on intimacy between friends, making once-innocuous behaviors suspect.

The Downside of De-emphasizing Friendship

This cultural de-emphasis on friendship has detrimental effects on both individuals and romantic relationships. Cohen points out that by placing excessive expectations on romantic partners, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Simultaneously, undervaluing friendships limits their potential to provide crucial support and fulfillment.

Research supports this idea. Studies indicate that individuals with diverse emotional support networks experience happier and more stable marriages. Cohen advocates for "diversifying our emotional portfolio" rather than relying solely on a spouse for all emotional needs.

"By expecting so much of marriage and so little of friendship," Cohen explains, "we end up undermining our romantic relationships, kind of setting them up to fail, and we diminish and weaken our friendships by expecting so little of them and not really investing in them."

The "Friendship Recession" and its Implications

Cohen's research reveals a concerning trend: a "friendship recession." Americans are reporting fewer close friends than in previous decades, a phenomenon exacerbated by class disparities. This decline in close friendships coincides with an increasing reliance on spouses as the primary source of emotional support.

A gender divide also exists. Men are less likely than women to express affection or engage in emotionally intimate conversations with their friends, further highlighting the challenges men face in cultivating deep platonic bonds.

Reimagining Significant Relationships

Cohen offers advice for those seeking to broaden their definition of "significant other." She encourages "unbundling" the expectations associated with romantic partnerships, such as cohabitation, and recognizing that different friends can fulfill different needs.

Further, she emphasizes the importance of decoupling commitment and love from sex and romance. Recognizing the value of companionship and emotional support can open up new possibilities for meaningful connections beyond the romantic sphere.

Reclaiming Traditional Family Structures

The notion of the nuclear family as the "traditional" family structure is a relatively recent development. Historically, extended families, polygamy, and other arrangements were more common. Anthropologist Sarah Hrdy’s research on "alloparents" – caregivers unrelated to the child – further emphasizes the historical prevalence of diverse family structures.

Cohen suggests that embracing chosen families and prioritizing close friendships can be seen as a "remixing of tradition," allowing individuals to create supportive networks tailored to their needs.

Expanding Our Understanding of Love

This Valentine's Day, Cohen's work serves as a powerful reminder that love takes many forms. The unwavering support, deep commitment, and profound care demonstrated in close friendships deserve recognition and celebration. By acknowledging and valuing these diverse forms of love, we can enrich our lives and strengthen our communities.